recently i have had a couple of people tell me that i'm "brave." brave to be preparing/planning to leave my friends & family, making a decision for me and me alone. in the past few weeks, the whole thing has felt less "brave" and more natural. isn't this what we're supposed to do? eventually grow up and move on to bigger things? it has started to feel less scary, as a lot of little things fall into place. i have been reminded and am reminding myself that there will never be enough time and there will never be enough money. those big things will fall into place, too.
i had first thought that i would make the cross country drive alone, until my younger brother agreed that he would go on the road with me. i will be happy to have his company, comfort, and protection. all things that seem appropriate on such a send-off. // i had first dreamt that i would make the drive with a lover, a romantic pipe dream of seedy late night motels with flickering lights and mix cd's. but, its an understatement to say that no lover of mine would have ever driven 2,500 miles with/for me.
i am often so quick to give to others, often knowing full well that there will be no reciprocation. such a character flaw, to give these gifts so excitedly. ...though, i suppose there are worse flaws than to be able to give without getting anything in return.
the most inspired projects come to me quickly and easily without overthinking. often these have become projects for other people, a surprise fabric reincarnation of a special moment we shared together... or a commission based on a quick basic idea that they had, which i turned into a more detailed and tangible thing.
lately, i have been sketching out and constructing a project based on sights and feelings and emotions that i have been carrying around inside of me the past couple of months. after years of sewing just to sew, right now i'm ready to sew to pull something out. evoke some sort of emotion in someone (though likely it will only be me). i want to convey something fluid with angular lines. i want to make it slightly uncomfortable but still beautiful (how much of ourselves to do we put into our art?). its necessary to remember that we're all inspiring someone somewhere, even if they don't tell us so. its important to be proud of what we make.
the second time i was called "brave" recently was when i admitted that i don't own a seam ripper for my quilting. i don't believe in creative mistakes, i don't take things apart if i sew them wrong (unless its a commissioned project, and then i have to bust out the tiny little scissors to snip stitches). i'm owning up to my craft and choosing to believe that any mistakes i make have been made for a reason. maybe i'll like it better that way, maybe the wrong color in the wrong spot makes it a little more interesting. its art, it shouldn't have boundaries. ...all concepts i'm slowly accepting into my daily life, also, when possible.
these are the most important things to me as i come up on my 34th birthday on wednesday.
i'm trying not to jinx myself by saying: i feel good. i have plans and ways to make these plans a reality. i have good friends who are supporting me all the way. i have an incredible family that is scared for me, proud of me, and even when they don't like what i'm doing they never desert me.
i only have six more months in maine. six months from RIGHT NOW i'll be halfway across the country, en route to arizona.
so, even on mornings like today, when i woke from a dream so romantic tangled quiet and comfortable, of things so far away, and feel sad at the current reality of it all - i know that soon, so much sooner than i am probably really ready for, i'll be on my way to an adventure that will bring me closer. closer to my best friend, to a handful of other amazing people i talk to often, to scenery that weirdly felt so much like "home" when i visited, to a change that is going to teach me so much about life and myself.
i'll be halfway to 35, by then. and strangely, i feel like i've hit rewind and am once again 25, trying adulthood for a second time. luckily, we get to try again as many times as it takes to get it right.
i've made several pacts with myself for the next six months. i'm taking my brain-hamster off its wheel and giving it a much needed rest - what will be will be. and i'm not cutting my hair, at all - so far i've made it six weeks. lastly, i've got to measure the trunk of my car with the backseats folded down so i can figure out how many bins of stuff i can fit back there! ;)