today was one of those days where i woke up completely manic. 5am, wanting to continue purging belongings and i could barely decide on an outfit to wear to work. at some point last night i'd woken up and started writing a list of things to get done: projects to finish, stuff to clean up. i had done a lot of this kind of thing a few years ago when i was transitioning out of my relationship as a coping mechanism, trying to learn how to function alone, i got obsessed with cleaning and organizing. in the back of my mind i knew that i was leaving.
the thing thats interesting is that despite being anxious on a "normal" level these days, and being happier than i think i have actually ever been in my life overall, i still feel unsettled. its not because i am feeling like i have too much stuff (what if i need to pack up my car and go again?! its not all going to fit! --- thats a byproduct of moving from spot to spot for four months before getting an actual place to live, which is not really a place of my own). its not because every time Matt Nathanson's "kiss quick" comes on my ipod i'm all kinds of sexually frustrated and missing that handsome face for the summer. these are things that are both easily soothed with a glass of wine or a good thunderstorm.
talks with two lady friends and a not-quite-close-enough-in-proximity good guy friend today while totally caffeinated brought me to the following conclusions: its all relative and not everyone is going to actually "get it". you can feel like the ceiling is falling down on you but some people are going to think its because the sky is blue. i'm getting better at letting things happen as they will. i'm getting to a better place, emotionally. no matter how much someone cares about you, everyone's lives are different and we're not all going to see things the same way. "normal" cannot handle me. some of us settle, some of us take forever to settle in. i need that passion to explore and do whats important to me, and i need my partner to have that too. sometimes i need a nudge to remind me of that. talking about hard stuff is hard but important and worth it. i need to blog more. sometimes life feels like a series of distractions just one after the other to band-aid situations and emotions, instead of actually facing things head on - i'm getting better at admitting to myself when i'm actually enjoying something for the pure fun of it, and when i'm enjoying it simply because its taken me out of some other feeling. i will likely never outgrow the feeling like i need to downsize, but lately i've definitely felt like i've traded up. i'm not feeling connected to this little town but i've got to give it a lot more time and a hefty fighting chance before i decide whats next. i kind of don't care about fireworks.
i've been writing a letter in a notebook for weeks and the handwriting is awful and i'll need to rewrite it more neatly before i send it off, but this chunk sort of screamed at me today. "life is such a culmination of experiences (good and bad) and its not always about instant gratification (though isn't it awesome when you don't have to try so damn hard?!). i've really learned that i am not necessarily what people (guys) expect. sometimes i love to be independent and strong-willed, i don't want help, and i'll climb that fucking mountain by myself thanks. sometimes i love to be pampered and want flowers and to feel pretty. i can take care of myself but sometimes i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay."
part of waking up ready to run a marathon for a week means that i'll get a ton of projects finished in the next few days. i'll make a to-do list and i'll work on it and cross stuff off because i love that feeling of accomplishment and productivity. i'll crash when its all over, exhausted from overwhelming myself. i'll rest for a few days and then i'll do it all over again. this is not anything new. its just how anxiety flushes itself out of me, especially when i don't feel like its coming from any one place. how frustrating to not be able to explain why you are feeling uncomfortable. how frustrating when on the outside you look calm and collected but on the inside you're scrambling to pull together some kind of explanation. scattered. stop putting expectations on your friends. stop putting expectations on yourself.
the things i have learned this year: what i want. what i don't want. what i never want again.
i've gone from feeling completely unwanted and misunderstood to completely desired and ample. completely unattractive and introverted to risque and unreserved. thankyou to both types of men in my life who showed me the difference. good ridance to the former. the latter, the type that could pull anything from me in the best way. i felt like i'd waited my entire life to be myself in those moments. all i needed was a safe enough place. all i ever wanted was someone to give that to me.
sometimes i struggle with the fact that i don't feel lonely. shouldn't i feel lonely after having spent so much time alone? shouldn't constantly waking up alone, constantly going to bed alone, constantly traveling alone, constantly having to text,... shouldn't that all make it feel worse? but i've done all of those things with people who didn't appreciate what it meant, and that felt lonlier. but still, i struggle with it - i want someone to be with me the way i've now learned i need, shouldn't that hole feel empty? have i really gotten so good at taking care of and hiding myself that i can turn my head to that? when you've felt so messed up for so long that anything good seems like its too good to be true. relationships are damn hard. but being alone is harder. you can't blame anyone else.
but right now.
despite all of the things i can't help but feel like I NEED TO DO, i am content. even in a place i'm not sure i want to stay, i'm happy. even in a house where i can't walk around naked in my kitchen, i'm staying put. i've gotten myself this far. freak-outs or empty spots are to be expected. every single day for almost ten months i have had a moment where something has made me cry, made me question what i'm doing, made me confused or angry. but every single day for almost ten months i have found resolution somehow. i've held on to things for too long, the queen of not letting go, and i've let myself sit in things that were pulling me apart piece by piece.
but now. right now. even feeling like i know i'm not going to be able to fall asleep tonight. i'm good. i'm brave enough to face all of this shit thats constantly bubbling up inside of me, because i'm determined to make a better life for myself. i'm determined to let good people in. i'm determined to stay happy. and this manicness is just pushing me towards that nextt thing. a reminder that i can't get lazy. i have to stay present. that all of the wrongs i've put myself through will bring me to all of the rights. that someday i can have that tiny little house. i can have that dreamboat boyfriend. i can take all of the drives i want to.
but i've got miles to go.
so here's to progress. and to-do lists. and to still loving the people who don't understand.