26 July 2014

two more months.

over a year ago, we were talking about a good friend of mine. who was flying back and forth from ME to LA to visit a guy who wanted her to maybe move there.
i asked something like, "how does that even happen?"
"pay attention," he said, "...this is your future."
and i laughed  nervously, because a year ago it seemed like the most ridiculous idea ever. too scary, too far, too much. perhaps my reasoning has changed since then, helping it seem only slightly less those things; but still, this is it. this is my future. he was right....WTF?!

my girlfriend never moved to LA (she went to central america instead), and here i am: two months away from driving across the country to make a one month pit stop in arizona to live with my dudeBFF & family, before driving another six hours to LA to sew for at least a couple of months and live/visit with friends..

a couple of times a day now i have a quick moment where i realize i can't breathe, my chest is heavy, my perception of my surroundings is distant and fuzzy - typical little panic attacks for seemingly no reason out of the blue. i remind myself that people make this kind of move all of the time.

i've been spending a lot of time on pinterest lately, adoring photos of Sedona, AZ and Joshua Tree, CA - my desert spots. because for all of my punky pixie parts that like to be inside at my sewing machine and listening to loud music by myself, i have never felt as at home as i did standing in the middle of the warm and quiet desert looking out into the giant abyss of land, or simply just driving through it. i kind of felt like i didn't really know who i was until i stepped foot in the desert; like in another life i'd spent all of my days there in love with the most perfect man and waking slowly every morning with him.

(also , get me to Havasupai Falls, RIGHT NOW.)

TOWARD THE EMPTINESS by yougo jeberg on Flickr
this morning i woke up and thought, "who will go see the 50 Shades of Gray movie with me when it comes out in february?"... silly little things that would never even be a question here at home. its both equally exciting and unsettling to have so much unknown ahead of me.

i'm really pumped to get out with my camera again. the last time i really gave it a workout was while hiking through devil's bridge in Sedona with  my dudeBFF. we got there for sunset and moonrise and it was just nice to be creative in a way that doesn't involve fabric. i think its going to be really fun to roadtrip down to southern AZ and check out new places i haven't seen yet, and also get out in downtown LA to find street art etc. my interests are so varied, its nice to know i'm heading to places where they can all be nurtured. its nice to know i'm heading in the right direction.

3 weeks left in the tiny little apartment, 1 of those weekends away dogsitting.
sell furniture, clean apartment, finish packing my life.
move to my parents for 6 weeks:
1 weekend away dogsitting, 1 weekend coordinating a wedding, 1 weekend for my going away party.

details, details; they'll get knocked off the list one by one.

coming up on the final stretch.

20 July 2014

the #beabadassquilt, so far.

i originally started brainstorming this project as a sister quilt to my ToBeHonest quilt. i wasn't quite sure the statement i wanted to make, yet; but i knew it would be slightly more subtle than the first. 

if you follow me on Instagram, you know that one of the hashtags i use often on my selfies is "#pixieisastateofmind". on the inside and outside, i embrace my own pixie-ness; which Urban Dictionary defines as: a beautiful, sexy, ebullient, graceful, captivating, petite woman with short hair (...Though she was the smallest of the group of women, her beauty and style made her the most noticeable. A true pixie.). 

and despite being "a true pixie," i also have also acquired a very bad-ass side. 

i find that my bad-ass-ness has very much come from my friends and role-models, all unique and distinctly themselves in their own ways, and very much unafraid of who they are. to me, thats the definition of being a badass. unapologetic. cool. tough. very much whatever, hence being sisters with the #TBHquilt.

my number one bad-ass role model is hands down hayley williams. anyone who knows me even remotely well knows this to be true. this quilt took on a whole new life when i met her a month ago. 

things that have always been important to me about her, aside from her voice and bad-ass music, is that she always comes across as tough and dainty at the same time. she holds her faith close and doesn't make a secret of it but its subtle, woven into lyrics and her tattoos. she dresses the way she wants to - bouncing back and forth between girly and edgy punk effortlessly. she does what she wants with her hair, she's no kardashian. for ladies like me who always feel just outside of the current trends and don't have the body shape for a lot of styles, its so comforting to see that ripped jeans and leather jackets can be sexy. 

my mom describes hayley as my "kindred spirit", and upon meeting her i knew that to be true. she was approachable, told ME that I was adorable (what?!), and commented on my "awesome skirt". i could barely get two words out but that seemed so crazy to me - my fashion idol commenting on an outfit that took me days to choose, and when i look back at it now i think what the hell i have wayyyy cooler clothes in my closet. i don't remember a lot of the few minutes i spent getting that photo taken, because honestly it was so fast and i was still so surprised that it was even happening (i didn't know i'd be doing this until just beforehand - thanks Kyle!).. but i remember looking at her glittery eyeshadow and thinking that i'd just hit the life jackpot. she was down to earth, and i think in the entertainment industry its very bad-ass to be able to stay that way.

i'd been through some crappy emotional stuff in the previous month or two, a lot of it self-made but some of it just circumstantial. life is all over the place here these days, as you can imagine. but, a friend of mine made the comment that it was just "movement", and it put it into perspective for me really quickly - all of the shitty dumb stuff that i'd felt up until that very second was bringing me to one of the most important and comforting moments of my entire life thus far. and strangely, just a few months before embarking on a huge life change. 

i had originally planned to make the skull orange, and the background black & red somehow.  but once i started to see her hair transition from bright orange to turquoise, i knew that i had to use those colors. the quilt had suddenly changed from a typical skull quilt to a secret emotional hommage, much like a lot of my other projects.

and so, the quilt went from being a plain old punk skull to being a BAD-ASS reminder for me: that i'll always have that moment to take with me regardless of where i go. 

...and that being a pixie bad-ass is pretty much the best thing. i can't imagine myself being any other way. somedays its harder than others to be confident and strong - but i think a lot of times, for me, bad-ass-ness is on the inside. sometimes i don't show it on the outside. its a work in progress. much like this quilt, which is now only half done.
so, secretly this quilt means a lot to me as a person & artist - but i think when its finished it will be very much like its sister - a bold quilt with a lot to say. i'm not quite sure of all the words yet, but i'm sure there will be some.

if you want to see what makes me feel bad-ass and inspires me, check out my current favorite Pinterest board that i've been adding to regularly.

14 July 2014

on the not-so-fun parts of a plan like this.

when i first started planning my cross-country move, i knew there were going to be things that would be not-so-fun that i would eventually have to do and figure out. for the past six months, i've been able to avoid those things. but, the time has come to deal with what needs to be dealt with. these not-so-fun things range from things as mundane as doctor's appointments (which ended up being not very mundane and actually very frustrating) to things that really kind of suck the life out of you (like bringing my cat to the shelter).
My last morning with Rockie.
when i first started planning my cross-country move, i knew there were going to be these things - and i decided that this would be a perfect time for me to try to get over my anxiety. anxiety about decision making, about not having control over things, about no being able to plan things into the ground RIGHT NOW. i struggle with this kind of stuff and it bogs me down in ways that i absolutely can't stand, but previously i've felt like i wasn't necessarily tough enough to handle it. in the past few years, i've started to show myself that i indeed can handle more than i think i can. i've grown a lot in dealing with things like a breakup after six years, living in a one room apartment, having to give up one sick cat (and now my second), numerous stupid heart-related relationship/non-relationship bullshit... 

 i am tougher than i always thought. and braver, and more awesome. but i'm still human, and i have to remind myself to be kind to myself. to be gentle with myself. these are not easy decisions that i'm making. these are decisions that are taking me 3,000 miles away from everything i have ever known, straight into the arms of a lot of things and people that i don't know very well at all. that takes a whole other level of strength and courage than i have ever had to use before. 

so, sometimes i cry and freak out and call my mom to sob for a half hour. sometimes i text my friends for a bitch session, or post to social media about the frustrations. but i am trying to remind myself that for every crappy thing that happens, there are several good things happening simultaneously. just because i can't see the future clearly doesn't mean that i won't be able to very soon. 

spending the past two months trying to plan a procedure at my doctor's office that i found out today i can't actually have done because of a problem between a pharmaceutical company and my doctor's office (even though my insurance covers it 100%), is frustrating and TOTALLY OUT OF MY CONTROL. so, i complained about it for a little while and now i have to get over it and move onto the next plan (which hopefully won't take two more months).

there have been one or two people who have not agreed with the way that i've progressed on with my plan. and i've had to learn that i am the only person i need to answer to at the end of the day.  i have had to realize that these people are not friends, no matter how long i have known them. anyone who is going to give you unsolicited inflammatory advice without the facts or even flat out asking me for my side first, is not a friend. i don't expect anyone to support me, but i certainly expect them to go about their own business if they don't. luckily, 99% of my friends & family are behind me all the way.

i'm learning slowly how to let go. of a lot of things. control, friends and people i thought were my friends, possessions, things i thought i loved, things i know i loved, things that have kept me company for a long time. 

Arizona, 2013.

the crazy thing about all of this is that in the process is that once i get to where i'm going  i'm going to have to do the same thing - just let things happen as they will - while at the same time taking total control of my life to try to find a job and make things work. can i do all of this with a mimosa in my hand?!, because i'm gonna need that...

but until then, these not-so-fun things are starting to happen, with a few more of them on the horizon that have yet to come about. my goal is to focus on the good, to be happy while i'm still in maine, and to not let the little/big things get me down.  i've noticed that i'm changing already, little by little - the old me would have had the driving route planned long ago and would have already (like, months ago) started to look into motels along the way. i haven't even started that yet, but just dug out the maps and AAA books today to put that towards the top of the to-do list. 

the reality of it all has hit, the shitty stuff is starting, i've already lost a friend or two (you really do learn who your true friends are when you do something like this), and its no longer this romantic idea in my head to travel off into the distance with the wind at my back that i think about before i go to sleep at night. so... here's to not worrying, saying WHATEVER, letting it all happen, and checking things off the to-do list. this is my chance to be who i want to be. so if you see me and i look like i'm freaking out and you ask me how i'm doing and i say "i'm okay," you don't really have to believe me but please pretend like you believe me anyway. 

because, i'm okay. mostly.