13 August 2014

the last night.

tonight i'm spending my last night in the tiny little apartment. i moved here just over two years ago, with no other options (i only looked at one other affordable apt and it was terrible), newly single after such a long time, and what felt like a whole new life ahead of me. it took me a little bit of time to adjust, but eventually i made this one room into a home for myself. i filled it with pretty things, i spent countless hours rearranging furniture to make it comfortable and useful, i set up a workspace for my sewing, and i have been within walking distance to work (and good restaurants and friends' studios and homes). 

this little room has seen me go through a handful of non/relationships. heard me argue, seen me sleep beside handsome men in a twin bed, listened to hundreds of long-distance phone calls, sat quietly while i sent thousands of texts, and gave me a spot to cry when i needed to (and oh how i needed to, on so many occasions). a space that was mine and mine alone. a place to be while i figured myself out and what i needed to do to move on. a place for singing off-key, dancing in my underwear, staying up late, getting up early (except on sundays).. a place for what few secrets i had.

this has been an emotional week leading up to packing the last of my belongings and getting ready to clean every inch. i made this little room a home slightly reluctantly. i can vividly remember when i first got here i didn't want to sew a single stitch for months. the cats and i laid on the bed and drank beers and plotted our escape in infinite daydreams.

i called my grandmother yesterday. she has a harder time than i've ever noticed getting out sentences and finding her words, its hard for her to remember things. she did her best to reassure me that i still have plenty of time to do what i need to get done before i go. i know that in leaving i risk so many things changing in my absence. with my family, with my friends. i won't be coming back for the end of the year holidays - thanksgiving and christmas normally spent with family will be spent with new friends without snow. people that normally rely on my helping hands to do things more easily, will have to adapt to helping themselves while i focus on new opportunities.

i'm finding that in my last weeks here, it is harder (not easier, as i thought it would be) to say "no" to people. get-togethers with people i haven't spent time with in so long feel like starting over, there's so much to catch up on. when someone cancels plans with me, they have to understand that perhaps i won't have time to fit them in later on. the days are filling up faster than i can comfortably keep track of. my iPhone calendar has tiny dots on 80% of the dates left before september 27th. and though there are projects i wish i hadn't agreed to take on in the next few weeks, i know that its those projects that will get me just a bit closer to my departure. 

my bins and my suitcase are packed. and although my sewing machine is recently busted, it is packed as well. my refrigerator is empty. the walls are bare. the room is looking much the way it did when i moved in - empty, slightly overwhelming, very small, and without personality. its ready for the next person to come in and make it theirs. this is my last night in my own space and living alone for quite some time. maybe six months, maybe a year, maybe indefinitely.

in the past week i've had a couple of crying fits, a night of nightmares, a few "i miss you already"s at work and with friends, and very little sleep. luckily, i've also had some awesome conversations with great people, some good laughs, a perfect traveling to the west coast music mix sent my way, and support in all the best forms. i expect the roller coaster to last as long as i let it, which likely will be until i'm high upon a mountain in arizona and can stop to take a deep breath. i've been there before, i know what that feels like.

watching the news on the tv at work today during my lunch break felt like watching the world fall apart. reading articles on robin williams and knowing how many people are out there that feel like there is no hope and no help and no other way... has left me feeling humbled and motivated to keep going. sometimes i need a little reminder that i can do this, because while its not really all that difficult, it really is all that difficult. i thank my dude-BFF constantly for putting me up in AZ without question. today i thanked my buddy LUKE for giving me a place to stay and a chance to do what i love while in los angeles. without them, i couldn't be doing any of this. i have so many people to thank. {how can i thank everyone? ...i think the only way i can thank everyone who has helped me and cheered me on and supported me, verbally and physically and emotionally, is to just do my best.}

really its not about leaving my apartment or going to live with my parents for a bit to save money or not being alone or how i'm going to say goodbye to everyone appropriately. all of these things will happen. its not about how many belongings i can fit in my car or how many miles i have to drive. its about the same thing it was about when i moved into this tiny little room - change is necessary to stay happy. change is necessary to live up to your potential. and you have to be proactive to see any changes. 

i've gotten better at loving myself, i've gotten better at not giving in to struggles, i've learned to embrace my weirdness and that not everyone will "get" me. i've learned that honesty is always best even when it hurts like hell and means you have to spit out a million words and get very few in return. i'm still learning to be patient, but thats next. i'm saying goodbye tonight to just one piece of this big puzzle. just a room full of memories, making space for so many more to come. i'll drink to that, right after i finish scrubbing the bathroom.

june 2012.
tomorrow evening i'm off to dogsit in the woods for a few days before officially moving back in with my parents for the rest of my time here.

44 days.